2 my          



If you're an Irishman



   click the head below!!!  





 As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him;
- Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" and "realistically"?
The father thought for a moment, then answered;
- Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked;
- Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
The mother replied;
- Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!
The boy then went to his sister and asked;
- Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
The girl replied;
- Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?
The boy then went to his brother and asked;
- Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
- Of course, the brother replied. Do you know what a million bucks would buy?
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him;
- Did you find out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically"?
The boy replied;
- Yes, "Potentially", you and I are sitting on three million dollars .But "realistically", we're living with two hookers and a homo.



Please Tell Me if You Don't Get This Message!!!

This is weird. Very weird. I like it.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. . .


 Almost all funny stories on this page has been sent to me by my best mate John "The Bastard" Cooper - 

 Love you to death! 

My name Mohamed, connect to police;

-They shiting in garden!


-They shiting in garden!

-Then tell them to clean it up!



No Brain, No Pain.  

I've just met Your double. I swear I thought it was You. I even shouted Your name! It just ignored me and carried on poking its finger up its arse and eating its banana.



Life is like an orange. Or was it like a fountain?


I'm mooning you now, you just can't see me.


The definition of confidence;

When you come home at 3am drunk and smelling of perfume, then slap your wife on the arse and say

"-You're next bitch!"


I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?     



4 sale, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
Ł1000 only. No longer needed, got married, wife knows fucking everything.

I AM NOT schizophrenic. Me neither.


!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY


I believe in free will - I have no choice!  

Which number doesn't belong here?

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?"

"A pink rose with lovely soft and petals and a perfume aroma!"

"And after sex?"

"Ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"




Make love not war...

A phone call is a form of communication,

A kiss is a form of affection,

A photo is a sign of remembrance,

Having me as a friend is a sign of fucking good taste!

Journey of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find
a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Maybe something like this??


Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck)a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
 6. Disgust "Fuck me."
 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
 9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck D an Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah

A women goes to the house of her boyfriend's parents for dinner. She's meeting the family for the first time and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

However, the woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the "poot". Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog, that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice:


The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled:

-Damn it Ginger!                                                          

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled:

-Damn it Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!!!

Clever Principal...

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot (wine) to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said;

- 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read;
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and San Francisco, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'

In computer support, a variety of codes can be used when referring to a customer;

PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

PICNIC: Problem in chair – not in computer

ID 10 T Error: ID 10 T is, of course, IDIOT

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife;

"Hurry up or we will be late."

"Oh, be quiet", replied his wife. "HavenŽt I been telling you for the last hour

that IŽll be ready in a minute?"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englisman was thinking: "The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman instead and got slapped for it."

And the Scotsman were thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel IŽll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."



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