www.ronnyfriman.com

2 Irishmen are making letter-bombs.

 Pat says: - Mick, do you think I've put enough explosives in this envelope?

 - Don´t know, says Mick. - Open it and see!

 - But it will explode, says Pat!

 Mick says: - Don´t be fucking stupid, it's not addressed to you!!!

 Sent to me by my best mate John "The Bastard" Cooper - R.I.P. 

 Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
 - "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. - "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
 - "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
 - "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
 - "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
 - "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says,
 - "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, - "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, - "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says,
 - "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, - "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
 - "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

 A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. 

 - "About 2 hours," says the conductor. 

 - "Okay," says the drunk, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" 

The irate conductor says to the drunk - "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" 

 - "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"

 A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
 - "What's your name and address?"
 - "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
 - "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

 Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions. The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1. However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

- 'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'

 Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat:

- "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favour? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave.

" Pat replied:

- "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"

IRISH PHILOSOPHY

There are only two things to worry about

either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well,

then there is nothing to worry about.

If you are sick,

there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well,

there is nothing to worry about.

If you die,

there are two things to worry about.

Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven,

there is nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell,

you'll be so damn busy shaking hands

with your friends.

You wont have time to WORRY!!

SO WHY WORRY?

More and much more jokes about the Irish can you find here:

www.irishjokes.com

www.irishjokes.co.uk

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

- 'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

- 'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

- 'Spread out in a bunch.

'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary. 

'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera.

'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'